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| Top 10 Ways to Have Fun with Telemarketers |
Top 10 Ways to Have Fun with Telemarketers
Telemarketers are annoying to just about everyone, but it's not their fault. They're just doing their job. Here's some ways to make their day and yours a little better. Remember, the goal is to never be mean, only weird.
10 - Any time a long distance phone company like MCI or AT&T calls and tries to get you to switch to their new plan, tell them, "I'm sorry, I can't use MCI, I don't have a phone."
Persist in saying this is the case until they hang up on you and you win 50 points.
9 - Tell them you don't speak English. "Excuse me, I can't understand a word you're saying. You see, I don't speak English. Nope, I speak Swahili. Do you speak Swahili? No? How about someone else in your office? Hm, well, this is no good then because I can't understand you at all."
200 points if you actually get to speak to someone who speaks Swahili.
8 - Just start speaking in a foreign language that you don't really know, but can kind of imitate. Japanese always works for me.
Telemarketer: Hi Mr. Davis, we'd like to offer you this great new long distance plan ...
Me: Sakathit, shunai! Ohhh, sukiluki hobolobo!
Telemarketer: Uh, Mr. Davis?
Me: Shunai, Hockonopluey!
Telemarketer: Is there anyone there who speaks English?
Me: Loko niki sala! (yelling) Horoshuna can o tuna!
Telemarketer: Uh, well, thank you. Goodbye.
50 points for any English words like "can" and "tuna" that you can pass off as a foreign language.
7 - Sing to them in your best operatic voice. Trade off between soprano and bass. Hum your own accompaniment.
50 points if they laugh.
6 - Ask them what their name is and then pretend like you know them.
Me: What's your name?
Telemarketer: Bill.
Me: Wait a second, Bill what?
Telemarketer: Bill Johnson.
Me: Yeah! Oh wow! I thought it was you! Bill, how's it going man. Yeah, it's me, Giles Davis! Wow, I haven't seen you in ages! So, are you still having all those constipation difficulties, or do you not like to talk about it anymore?
Telemarketer: I think you have the wrong person, I've never had any constipation problems.
Me: Oh, yeah, right. Sorry, I should have known that you didn't want to talk about it. That's cool.
Telemarketer: No, listen, I don't know you. You've got the wrong person.
Me: Well dude, you called me!
You get 20 points for every minute you can keep them going with this conversation.
5 - Say something so completely random that they have no idea how to respond to you.
Telemarketer: Hi, Mr. Davis, we'd like to offer you this new long distance plan...
Me: Oh, I'm sorry, but I am way too full of fruit and cheese right now to sign up for that.
100 points if they ask you what kind of fruit or cheese.
4 - Tell them you aren't home.
Telemarketer: Hello, is Mr. Davis in?
Me: Oh, I'm sorry, I'm not home at the moment, would you like me to take a message for myself?
100 points if they ask you where you are.
3 - Talk like a grumpy old man/woman and pretend you can't understand anything they're saying.
Telemarketer: Hello Mr. Davis, I'm with MCI and ...
Me: (Read with a gravely old man voice) Huh? What's that? You got an empty eye? What kind of nonsense is that?!
Telemarketer: No, I'm with MCI and I'm calling to offer you a new long distance plan ....
Me: Huh? What's that? A long distance pan? You mean like a bed pan? I don't think that'd be a very good idea. You wanna keep those things as close to you as possible, trust me.
Telemarketer: No, a long distance PLAN. I'm with the phone company.
Me: The foam company?!! That's all I need, a long distance foam bed pan! What mess! What kind of a fool do you think I am?
Telemarketer: Goodbye. [click]
300 points if the telemarketer actually thinks you're an old man/woman
2 - If they won't stop talking and just launch into their long speech without mercy, just start saying the names of random fruits and vegetables.
Telemarketer: Well Mr. Davis, you can have this and this and that and...
Me: Brussel Sprouts!
Telemarketer: Uh, yea, and you can have this and this and that and ...
Me: Kumquat!
Telemarketer: Excuse me?
Me: Pea Pods!
Telemarketer: Uh, are you talking to your kids?
Me: Asparagus!
Telemarketer: Uh, O.K., well, if you're interested in knowing more please call us at 1-800-45...
Me: BEANS!
Telemarketer: [click]
20 points for each random fruit or vegetable you say.
1 - Tell them you will sign up for whatever they're selling if they will bark like a dog for three minutes straight right now.
1000 points if you actually get a telemarketer who barks for three minutes straight on the phone. Just think how fun that would be!
Copyright © 2001, Giles Davis Enterprises. All Rights Reserved
Created on 10/01/2005 10:19 PM by Giles
Updated on 10/01/2005 10:37 PM by Giles
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